"The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina" Has Gone Completely Off the Rails and No One Is Talking About It

Look. I know there’s a lot of unacceptable bullshit going on right now that is unarguably more important than a not-even-that-popular Netflix series, but if we can’t turn to pop culture in these dark times, what do we even have left?Besides, anyone whose mouth isn’t surgically attached to Trump’s asshole like the world’s crustiest, whitest human centipede knows how fucked what’s happening on Capitol Hill is. What people don’t know (or perhaps are just too afraid to say?) is how in three short seasons, The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina has gone from a very solid show full of promise to pure, nonsensical chaos.Let’s recap:From the creators of Riverdale (which I’ve never seen, but is apparently also batfuck insane) came a dark ‘n’ edgy reboot of Sabrina the Teenage Witch, released just in time for Halloween 2018. While it didn’t have the expert, genre-bending mix of action, suspense, teen drama and humor like my all-time-fave, Buffy, it was interesting enough to merit a watch of the second season.Was the second season worth a watch of the third season? Arguably no. While the season starts out all right and has some strong moments mid-season, things really go downhill fast: First, Sabrina is the anti-christ. Then she’s actually the devil’s daughter and she’s supposed to be the queen of hell, which Lucifer (who, natch, has washboard abs) tells her himself. Then she and her coven perform “Masquerade.” Yes, from Phantom of the Opera. If only I had seen the season three music video before I started watching, I would have never made the attempt. But alas, I only noticed this abomination after we’d made it a few episodes in, and at that point, like the titular character herself, we were already too far into hell to turn back.(Click the link. Watch the video. It’s like watching “Let’s Go To the Mall” happen IRL.) Since this show has an inexplicably high critic score on Rotten Tomatoes, I feel duty-bound to lay out all the reasons this TV show is absolute garbage.It’s tone deaf.While the first season nearly achieved American Psycho-levels of dark humor, it’s completely lost it by season three. Is the scene where Sabrina’s cheerleading squad performs “Hey Mickey” at her witch school so the coven can sap their energy meant to be funny? Meanwhile, opportunities for a heavier tone are completely blown—Sabrina’s boyfriend, Nick, spends the first few episodes with the devil’s body inside him (you see?). After Lucifer is moved to another humanly host, Nick’s possession serves as a very messy, insensitive rape allegory, which other students at the witch school mock him for. Character motivations are incomprehensibly fickle.You never know what’s going to happen in this show, because you never know how a character will respond in any given scenario. Fun, right? This season introduces a character named Caliban, who, like Nick and Lucifer, is often shirtless. He’s a prince of hell and his one distinguishing trait is that he’s made of clay—something we’re constantly reminded of since he tells us “I’m made of clay” at least once an episode. He challenges Sabrina’s claim to the throne of hell—because despite being, excuse the pun, hellbent against ruling the underworld at the end of last season, Sabrina agrees to it with zero hesitation during the first episode in order to save Nick. She and Caliban are pitted against each other in a MacGuffin quest, but when one of her friends is turned to stone, the hunky hellion offers to help her and proposes an alliance via marriage. Why? We have no idea. Presumably he’s just that hot for Sabrina—as one sane critic pointed out, this show is inexplicably and disconcertingly horny. World building is sloppy. If only the writers were less fixated on on making uncomfy “daddy” jokes (yes, these all have to do with Lucifer being Sabrina’s father while also inhabiting her boyfriend’s body) and more intent on doing coherent world building! From the first season, we’ve known the witches in the show are, like, Christians, but make it Satan—something that was never my favorite aspect of the show and became even more uninteresting in season two, which exposed us to more inner workings of the Church of Night, including the “anti-pope.” (Yawn.) Still, it would follow that witches view hell as their ideal afterlife, right? Apparently not! Hell is seemingly made up of only Biblical characters and one of Sabrina’s mortal friend’s uncles. And even though hell is actually pretty easy to get to (Sabrina pulls it off in the first episode, accompanied by her mortal friends), most witches have never been. It gets weirder when we’re introduced to the pagans, who are actually this season’s main villain. (Satan is reduced to a role on the sidelines, cheering Sabrina on as she half-heartedly fights for rule of hell.) It’s unclear how the “old gods” the pagans are trying to resurrect fit in with the devil and the “false god” the witches refer to. (It become even less clear when one of said pagans reveals himself to be “the great god Pan.”) The season’s cliffhanger ends with the resurrection of an eldritch terror, adding more confusion to the supernatural hierarchy. Sabrina herself is unlikable. Possibly the biggest issue with The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina is that its titular character is so stupid and shallow. Sabrina is constantly betrayed by Caliban and other enemies in incredibly obvious setups this season, and each time she acts surprised that someone who goes by “the prince of hell” would backstab her.The only thing more annoying than her obliviousness is her vapidness. Soon after she gets the devil/her father out of her boyfriend’s body, she’s on his ass to go to her pep rally. (Because she joined the cheer team. Why? See: “fickle character motivations.”) On the surface, it would be easy to draw comparisons to Buffy, but that would be lazy and incredibly insulting to Buffy Summers. For Buffy, cheerleading was part of her normal teen life before she was called to be the Slayer, and she doesn’t want to give it up—but she still spends most of her high school career sacrificing those things for saving the world. For Sabrina, who has literally never professed an interest in it and always seemed a little too edgy for it, cheerleading just seems like a way to work in musical numbers in a show that doesn’t really support it. (Also, Buffy certainly didn’t nag Angel about going to the carnival with her when he got back from hell.) Ultimately, am I more disappointed in The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina showrunners, or the Republican party? Definitely the former—the show at least had a chance of being good.